[Note : I am writing this guide for those guys who want to learn the guitar . please ignore the sexist remarks. If it still irks you please send me an e-mail , include with it your personal details , credit card number and codes. If you use online e-banking please include all details on your account and your password. I shall reply you promply . Thank you ]
Playing the guitar is easy. You just have to survive the first few weeks when you have the urge to chop off your fingertips as they start to turn green, swell and sometimes start blistering. Yes , ouch indeed. It is important at this point , TO NOT GIVE UP. Imagine all the girls throwing you their bras and panties on to the stage when you pick up your guitar and let 'er rip and that should be motivation enough for you to continue. Oh yeah , if you want to learn the guitar because you want to enrich your life or you want to fullfill your urge for music .. you are probably gay. The only reason to learn the guitar is to impress chicks , drum that into your head.
Once you have survived the first few weeks you will find out that like in X-Men you would have developed the new mutant power of being able to negate pain on your fingertips .. at least to a certain extent. You'll need to work on that more later, it's not much fun if you play half way through a song and then stop cause 'your fingers hurt' .. it leaves a bad impression in the mind of the girls listening to you play , it will sort of imply that you are the type that 'doesn't last till the end ' if you get my drift .. (remember you learn to play the guitar cause you wanna impress girls)
Not that you can actually produce sounds on your guitar that sounds less like dull thumps and more like actual notes. You start practicing by playing the first note on the thickest string using your index finger , you keep on doing this until you stop sucking at it . (Translation : You get a music note, not a DULL thump ) once you have that problem licked you progress to the second fret (this time using your middle finger) .. continue until you stop sucking at it. Now keep on going until you can play up to the 5th fret. When you can make proper sounds , moaning and youch not accepted, you should play it in sequence without removing your finger after playing the notes .. yes i realised that the 5th fret would be lacking a finger cause you used 4 fingers allready. The solution is easy , grow a new finger . Or you use your pinky finger , move it from the 4th fret to the 5th fret.
Proceed to the other strings until you have mastered all the 6 strings. Congratulations , you now suck less than you usually do . Of course you still suck cause you don't have girls flinging their underclothings at you .. don't worry that is why I am here for.
Now go and search online for guides on chords. You need to master 4 basic chords : G , Em , C , D .. ok these are your GOD chords ok . Repeat after me .. GOD CHORDS. As simple as they are they can get you woman underwear (of course chances are it'll be a tranny flinging her laundry at you ... )
Here is a how you are supposed to hold them :
Chord
G 320033 ( this means 1st string finger on 3rd fret, 2nd string finger on 2nd fret , 3rd and 4th dont press anything and the last two keep your finger on the 3rd frets)
Em 022000
C 032010
D 000323
Ok , if you can't figure out the numbers by now, you'll never get woman underwear thrown at you .. or worse guys are gonna throw their underwear at you.
Ok lets figure out that you managed to somehow figure out how to put your fingers to form chords , cause if you couldn't you'd be asphyxiating under a guy's underwear and forming chords would be the least of your problems (breathe man breathe .. I am sure help is on the way .. ).
Now you play one string at a time , listen to the dreaded dull thunk. If you hear it you aren't holding it correctly. Keep on adjusting your fingering position until is sounds ok. Remember you hold the string with the TIP of your finger not the flat side. You have to curl up your fingers so that only the TIP is touching the string ok. Now I can tell you how this excercise can make you popular with girls but I'll be evil and let you figure it out yourself (finger - strength , finger-stamina , nuff said).
Ok now you get the sound right . You have to strum. To do this just use your nail or guitar pick and strum .. you'll have to figure this out yourself cause I am too tired to type anymore.
Now strum G , Em , C , D and sing Pearl Jam's Last Kiss (listen to the song to get the idea) .. work on it until girls believe that your girlfriend really died in a car crash cause you are a crappy driver . When they do, bring them drifting :P , usually people do stupid things when they are scared .. you'll be hoping like crazy that crazy things here involves phrases like : " I don't want to die a virgin " or " i wonder if you can have oral sex while driving " or such .
Good luck . |
At 10:19 AM,
So tell me, how many women have thrown their undies at you so far?
At 10:59 AM,
Due to hygenic reasons I ask them not to do it ... otherwise I would be drowning in underwear .. really .. >:]
At 11:15 AM,
I think you playing the guitar in public would be a 'sensitive issue' and we should avoid offending anyone's 'sensitivities'. For the good of the nation you must destroy your guitar.
At 7:33 PM,
Thats such a heart warming expression for guitarists everywhere. I now feel the need to express myself and write a guide to playing the keyboard. Wheeee!