It's been some time from the last time i posted something here. As i can c, the blog is slowly er..........sinking, i hope everyone will be back soon ^^ i log in almost everyday but sometimes i dun c any new changes except for the spam on the chatbox (spam queen ler).
ok, here's the scenario i wanted to give, let's just dont point fingers at anyone and i will use nicknames instead of real name. oh btw, the things i m about to say has nothing to do with the lunatics, rest assured, i just need some opinions, just to see if mine is good, or rather if i m doing the right thing. here goes nothing............
I was at my home one good evening around 6 pm and my fren, Dylan*(not real name) came over to my place and apparently he wanted to go to watch movie with some other frens. but because the show was about 10 something at night, so he had no where to lepak and came over to my place. I absolutely dun have any problem with that, my frens are always welcomed. so, because i was feeling a bit hungry, i suggested that we went out to eat something for dinner and we did. actually he said something about what i was about to say later earlier on but not so vivid. When dining, his fren called to ask y he called him. and his answer was
"eh, wake up liao ar. sian lar, i wanted to look for u and u r sleeping, got nothing to do lar, sian lar." and some other stuffs which to me is unimportant.
here is the thing, i asked myself this.........'is it boring to be with me?' i mean going out of coz. and 'oh, so i m the last option lar, got nothing to do then only find me, if got things to do, gone like the wind already'. and also "i know, i m not some cool guy like ur fren, i m just someone who is more like a geek". and i started to make unhealty comparison, dangerous thoughts of ending up everything and all. honestly, i will feel some heartache if i was the same person months back. but for now, i just take thing more lightly, i strode through this like nothing ever happened. i just dun care what other people say anymore, i know Dylan meant no harm, but mayb he did not know what he said was a bit........ugh......i dunno how to comment also. what if he was in my shoes? how would he feel?
call me overly sensitive or call me unreasonable, or even u can call me sissy. but this is not just the first scenario, there r plenty more that i m too lazy to recall and i just wan to forget everything else. some time i think it's better off i do things on my own, ALL BY MYSELF. going to movie, dinner, shopping, everythign u can think of, i prefer to do it on my own. people just take me as their last resort, their last option, when there barely have any choices left. but lets look on the bright side, they still think of me to lean on. but as a last choice? m i of so little importance to them?
That evening, i m just too lazy to shot back, i got something on that nite and i was kinda in a rush. and i dun wan to cause any unnecessary ruckus. so i just shrug it of. i was calm that nite, as if nothing happen. hahahah, i think it's a good thing. as for now, i dun invite any of them out anymore, if they wan to go out, they invite, cause i dun feel like hanging out too many times with them. this is something that i feel, i feel like leftover, waste, even though they dun take me that way, but their actions do look that way. mayb there r not sensitive about this but for me, i perceive every move i made, but of coz, something i may overlook certain things. but i tried my best to take into account other people's interest and this is very hard to keep up, and i tend to neglect my own. My frens like to hang out at places like coffeebean, starbucks and the likes, which i dun really like, and i used to folo them just to accompany them. but now, i blatantly told them that i dun like these places and if u guys are going, u can invite me but i may not be joining. so far, they went without me, hahhaha, it's a good thing also, for i dun have to reject and i dun lie. ^^
at times, i feel like being used. people always say that in this world, everyone is using everyones else, to achieve something. blah blah blah. i know there is only one person that really loves. how about us humans? humans dun love humans? everyone love people just to get something in return, its very disappointing. when u can use me, u fren me and come to me, even as last choice. being last choice mayb i m not ideal for the task or not cool enuf, heck i care about that now. but when i m of no more worth, will they still come to find me? i know some will, but how about the majority? it's disheartening to think about that, very......but i believe in unconditional love. those reading this can call me a fool or a dork. but when i like someone, i will like them till the end unless they did something bad to me and disappoint me badly. i will cherish that someone (frens, siblings, etc etc). I m more happy to give than to receive. so, no need to give me any bday presents lar if i happen to give any to u guys, hahahah, i dun mind, i m trying to forget my bday by the way, hahahha, i m getting old, need to lose the track. it sounds silly i know. hahahhaah mayb i m outta of my mind.
my question is, how people can b so insensitive? i know guys are mostly like this, they just shrug off problems just like dusts as if nothing ever happened. but someone told me that i have the emo of a lady (i know i m sissified, hahahah). i tend to think a lot about this issue. and what matter most to me is how people feel. i wan to care for people's heart but at times, in the course, i hurt mine as well. so, i m thinking of distancing a bit from eveyrone else, not physically, but emotionally. u know, something like dun get to involved in other peoples dilemma, just offer what we could. and i tend to keep healing my wound on my own, i dun trust people that easily anymore.
so fellow lunatics, please give me some comments if possible, all comments are very much appreciated. i was cornered, and i dunno if i m still at the same corner or not, i need to go into the main road. thanks again. |
At 6:07 PM,
You know man, I have felt exactly like you do right now, the whole unwanted thing, or like you're there and no one notices you. It gets even worse for me because sometimes if I'm feeling left out I just keep quiet and go with the flow thinking what the hell, but then everyone starts asking me 'what's wrong' and its damn annoying.
Anyway, only tip I can think of for you is, you honestly have to truly ask yourself, is you're resentment and sadness towards a bad situation fucking up all your future prospects?
To put it another way, are you yourself very boring and quiet and depressing to be around because you feel down that nobody appreciates you and hangs with you etc. See nobody wants to be around the moodkiller. Think about it in the context of boyfriend girlfriend, say you got totally shafted by a girl you love, you either come around and meet other people, or you wallow and taint and damage all your future relationships too.
Well that's all I can think of. I feel your situation though, because lately I feel desperately alone at work, like I have zero friends. Its not true, I have a very small handful of pretty cool people, but if I let the negativity get out of hand what will happen is I drive the good ones away. Get my drift?
At 11:31 AM,
actually, when i was plus size, people tend to treat me as if i m invisible. the people i mention is someone i do not know like u know when u go to buy things from a grocery or stalls. and people tend to forgot my order, and that place is so blacklisted by me. it's no fair, when a good looking people who came latter than me get their order first and i asked, they said they forgot. so, that was one of the reason i lost all of my self confidence and by being the way i m now, i can feel the boost in confidence. will feel more if i shed more weight, hehehe.
i dun think i feel down when i hanging out with someone else. well u c, i always keep their best interest in check, and in reality, their interest is not so my interest. i tend to care for others needs more than mine own, and i dun mind as long as we are all happy. but of coz, there was certain incident that happen sometime back that changes a bit of the situation. because of the little incident, i revert back to my old self, gaming geek, and of coz that means i dun go out very often anymore. because of the disappointment, i prefer to do things on my own.
yup, these people are cool people, and these are the people that disappoint me to the core. of coz, i still reach out to some other frens but when making new frens, i m now very careful not to involve too much cause i dun wan history to repeat itself. i may sound selfish, but this is just at the initial stage of frenship, after i got along better with the others, i may change.
At 6:25 PM,
Don't damage yourself by being overly considerate of others. Take care of yourself first, only when you are happy and content and in a good mood can you properly be considerate of others.
I'm my case I hate! HATE!!! HATE!!! Smoking, the smell, the disgust I feel etc. Mind you I don't hate smokers, just the smoke. Anyhoo, I will put up with smokers only if there is something greater in it for me e.g. DotA, but I never hang out with smokers anymore for say lunch.
I mean I like some people, but because they smoke I suffer being with them. Long term it fucks everything up cos I feel sick whenever I hang with them, even though they're nice people. Happened to me too many times, so now I just don't hang with smokers, fuck feelings and shit, I deserve to be able to enjoy myself.
Anyway, back to you. Adole, you sound like you're damaged goods and highly insecure. Can't help you with that except to say get over it. You can't be that pathetic, I'm sure you have loads of positive traits.
And if you really are that bad, and lame, and awful to hang with...start improving yourself. Read more, do more things, activities, meet new people, expand your horizons. It takes effort too you know, build yourself.
If you're inherently insecure losing more weight probably wouldn't make you feel better about yourself, sure you'd feel good for awhile, but the insecurities always creep back in.
Yatta!!!!!!!